for the best

28 december 2018

they just did what they thought was best…

I would hear this a lot and still do. And sometimes I say this to myself...sometimes. This is maybe one of the more nuanced of the things I hear but thought well-intentioned when said, this can sometimes be a tricky one. 

Before I get into it, this instagram series isn’t meant to be overtly “negative” or depressing. But rather an opening of words, thoughts and feelings I’ve never really shared or been open about overtly other than with my mom or in therapy sessions. I’m finding it helpful to make art, do writing and be public about these issues on instagram in the chance it helps me and others not feel alone who might also feel these things for one reason or another. This is number 5 of what I’m hoping to make a 9 part series before moving on for now...

I don’t know why I was abandoned; Based on the general history of China in that time and its social history since, I have some best guesses but I don’t know specifically what went into how I was left. So saying “It’s for the best” or speculating that “It’s because they loved you” doesn’t help me. To me, this some thing that gets said to band aid an uncomfortable topic that I’m ok with being uncomfortable. I’m growing and have grown to accept that I don’t know these things, and am teaching myself ways to turn the painful parts into positives but it’s not for someone else to say. For the best, for who? Me or them or my mom? Because they loved me, I don’t know for sure that they did and that’s ok but please don’t attribute positivity to people who may not have been well intentioned. I know this one might be a trickier one to understand for someone who hasn’t dealt with this sort of a thing but yes, I am content about where I am and what I have based on circumstances out of my control but it’s not an easy thing to always feel good about. Adoption is a rollercoaster of highs and lows and I’m just trying to find my way coping with the ups and downs as I get older.