let go

2 march 2019

just get over it…

I used to hear this a lot as well as similar comments like “get over it” or “why do you let this stuff bother you so much” or “just move on” or worse “stop playing the victim card.” People tend to turn off when they hear about the more difficult or challenging parts about adoption. It’s like if it doesn’t fit some preconceived fairytale, what ever you have to say is invalid or complaining, when really you should be grateful and thankful and therefore not complain. *insert every eye roll and sigh* It’s pretty clear to me by now that I will never “let it go” and I shouldn’t have to. Everyone deals with their stuff in different ways and in different times and it’s truly no one’s business other than my own how and when I want to deal with my story.

When I’m constantly reminded of the importance and weight society and culture puts on where you come from, what ethnicity you are, who your parents are, having children, etc how can I just let it go? There’s a reason the fertility test result shows on Maury are such a spectacle. There’s a reason why so many shows depict family, family structures, family dynamics. There’s a reason why (it seems almost every) Marvel characters stem from some form of adoption or non-traditional upraising which leads to their origin story. There’s a reason why ‘finding your roots’ and ‘discovering your DNA’ companies and marketing is everywhere. We as a culture, we as a people place a lot of weight on these things as a part of your identity.

So when I don’t have the biological answers, and it’s a constant search and wondering and wanting for answers I can’t just let it go. I can’t just let go of the harder times of not feeling I belong or wondering why I was left on the street or where my parents are now, if they’re struggling in poverty for still needing a son, or if they got the son the wanted/needed, wondering if they ever think of me or remember? It’s not an easy thing to just let go of. Sure, some days I feel these things more strongly than others, and some days I can almost forget but I think the bottom line is it’s on my terms with navigating my story, my identity for myself so please don’t tell me to “let go” of the parents and story I can only claim by questions and tid bits of facts.

To be continued in the final (for now) post of this series...